If Guam is my mother and Virginia is my wife, then South Carolina is the beautiful whore I pay a visit to when time and money allows for it.
At 80 mph you see nothing but open fields and lush greenery. At 120 mph everything blends into a quick blur of green, farmhouse, green, farmhouse, green. Hit the road at the right time, and you'll race the sun down foggy country roads.
Take note of the towns that punctuate the long stretches of asphalt...
...Fayetteville...Elizabethtown...Tar Heel...Whiteville... Chopping into the Bible Belt and straight through Carolina back-country. The land of Billy-Bob, sweet tea, pulled pork, and Southern drawls. Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomater...hehe.
Destination: Winter Beach-Town and lowered inhibitions... Roll into town and read one of the colorful signs boasting warm welcomes:
WELCOME GOLFERS!NEW GIRLS! ALL LIVE! NUDE!
....just about right for this time of the year. Just the place for daddy and his golf buddies to take a breather from super fine suburbia.
Meet with old friends, talk story. Good People.
Stories of times when days were measured in bong hits and slayed 12-packs. When this guy got into that fight, and that guy ate too many mushrooms, and this guy got knocked out, and she got wasted, and he went on a 3 day PCP binge, Xans,Oxy, Granny's pain meds, and Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds...the good ol' days.
Supporting the fight against brain cells. No medals awarded there...
So what are you left with in a Beach Town with no beach? Bar, Strip Club, Bar, Strip Club, Bar, Seafood Joint, Bar, Golf Course, Strip Club, Restaurant....that becomes a bar after dark. Cold. Lame. Crazy. Choices...
Bar hopping commences...
5 o'Clock Somewhere....Hard Rock....Blarney Stones....Ron Jon's.....McGoo's....Smokehouse.... All beach bars, all fun in their own unique way.
Old drunks, whack chicks, fat chicks, assholes, crackheads, inebriated college kids, cool cats, tough guys, punk rockers, emo kids, lovers, fighters, love had, love lost, hating life, living life...wasting life. Fun.
Paying homage to all those who have partied before us. Living fast and dying young. All against your parents wishes. Some cause. Lost cause. No cause....because.
We run into our tattoo artist and I ask the question...he answers.Fond and disgusting memories of tattooing and piercing naughty parts. Pierced shaft, head, lips....yeah, pretty gross and somewhat interesting.
We wish him goodbye and good luck in his drunken journeys. Another soul crossing the alcohol-filled earthly version of the river Styx. Our journey has just begun.
Black and gold signing...good choice: PENTHOUSE GENTLEMEN'S CLUB
Strip Club Breakdown:
90% Social Experiment
9% Fun
1% Random
Great selection. Top-shelf at the bottom of the barrel. Powered by a million different insecurities. Fed by greenback scrip and cat calls. Pleasure before business. People...good people. A lot of bad stories, sob stories, life stories for those who care to listen to them. After the fifth girl passes through my lap I feel like cutting my own balls off. Men are bastards. A dollar for your troubles and a penny for your thoughts. Though I'll have to pass on that promotional lapdance....you're a nice girl. What name are you using tonight?
Break the seal in the men's restroom...The guy in the next urinal asks me if I can sell him some pills....it must be my hat, sorry buddy.Catch the eye of the tired floor host and start casual conversation. He takes a quick snort of party fuel and kindly offers me some... No thanks. Now you can get your hands on pretty much anything here at the beach, but you have to wade through a lot of trash. 2% pure and biproduct of everything. Chopped up, dumbed down and sold to the unsuspecting junkie tourist. Just say NO kids. Back to the night...
Continue drinking until unhappy hour hits and the ugly lights are turned on. Last call, go home, get a life....anywhere but here. Night continues through the morning. Proceed to exceed. Shameless indulgence.
Fall asleep, erase the memory, start anew. Breathe new life into old memories. Set your alarm clock for 1 p.m.....
Good day.
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